03/06/26
ordered from vinted for the first time and the top smells like someone else's gaff it's really weird but i have faith and trust in humanity so i'm just going to trust that the seller washed it before shipping it and wear it tomorrow without washing it myself.
01/06/26
happy pride month fags.
30/05/26
this month has been very very strange and i have not had a very good time and i can't wait for it to be over because next month is going to be a better month. i already have quite a bit planned + it's my birthday month! 19 isn't that daunting but what comes after it definitely is.
24/05/26
got a nail appointment tomorrow and one of my nails just fell off and took the entire length with it so now i've got a little stumpy mail on my left index finger i'm so annoyed. was planning on getting them a bit shorter but not flush with my fingertip come onnn.
24/05/26
had pasta for lunch two days in a row and that is why life is worth living.
23/05/26
thinking about adding a page to post an album of the week a film of the week whatever the hell else i feel like to motivate me to update this semi-regularly again because i miss it i've just been very lazy and tired and preoccupied.
10/05/26
sorry still not active i just don't have anything to say and can't be bothered adding any updates because i can't really be bothered doing anything #FuckMyLife #KillEveryone.
05/05/26
hello hi i haven't been here in a bit i was on a hen do over the weekend and had a great time went on a boat and saw whales and dolphins got very drunk embarrassed myself a lot got two new tattoos then when i got back reality smacked me right in the face so badly that i've had to reschedule my exams.
28/04/26
i really do think that it should be illegal for sweets to say 'sour' on the packet if they're not actually sour.
28/04/26
i'm downstairs because i study better when i'm not being tempted by my bed and the doors are open because it's nice out and so that shelley can go in and out but my neighbour is smoking outside and the smell is making its way into the living room and i want to die i can't stand it.
27/04/26
i have to deprive myself of the things that i like and want to force myself to study. i am not allowed to eat this lemon cake until i finish this past paper. but there's a part of my brain that's telling me that i should eat it right now to motivate myself.
26/04/26
i've been followed by a radical feminist site with explicit terf rhetoric on it and its got me wondering if there's anything on or about my site that makes it seem like i would agree with that shit. i hope not lol.
22/04/26
party cannon and internal bleeding tomorrow yayyy.
19/04/26
just found out that i was supposed to be at a hospital appointment on the 14th. #oops. i haven't had a single appointment with that doctor that has actually helped me in any significant way though.
18/04/26
everybody has long covid and nobody knows that they have long covid.
17/04/26
hungover. just started my period. worst combination possible and it's my fault because i'm on the pill and know exactly when i'm going to start my period every month. sore and sad. i have an ulcer in my mouth too and i think it's a side effect of the pill i take. only positive thing is that for the first time in my life i didn't wake up with crippling hangxiety. lying in bed listening to radiohead. thinking about sexting women more than twice my age. also thinking about the cheesecake i didn't get last night because i wanted to drink more and knew that if i had a dessert i'd be too tired and full to go on and regretting my choices. regretting a lot of the choices i've made in the past few months and in my life but regretting that one the most. feeling existential. feel like cutting everyone off and spending my entire life locked in my room listening to music and watching movies and having a little slot carved into my door then boarding the rest of it up like henry townshend's door in silent hill 4 so that people can pass things through to me but nobody can get in or out. wondering whether certain fantasies i have are sexual or suicidal. i'm probably just dehydrated and hormonal and in need of a walk. thinking about aliens too but only the grey ones with big black eyes and and big foreheads and long skinny fingers.
15/04/26
the new tomodachi life game is so much fun. everyone on my island talks about steve buscemi and masturbation non-stop it's great.
11/04/26
i love finding my pets sleeping in wild positions and abnormal places. it is so cute and so funny thinking about them sprawling out like that, thinking 'oh yes this is comfy' then dozing off. nicki's always got her limbs pointing in every which direction and shelley's always lying on her back with her legs spread apart as far as they'll go. they're such funny little creatures i love them so much and i love seeing them so peaceful and content even if they don't look comfortable in the slightest. one of life's greatest joys i think.
10/04/26
cover your face is out yeahhhhh.
09/04/26
need a girl that'll get drunk and listen to william s burroughs' spoken word albums with me. at this point that's all i'm asking for in a relationship. but it's probably mainly my fault that i'm single because i don't put myself out there in the slightest.
08/04/26
currently debating changing my hair. i love the blue but the upkeep is annoying and the bleach has been quite bad for my hair and i already feel like i need a change. i want to go bride of frankenstein-esque with black hair and a couple of white streaks. feel like it'd be especially cute and an elsa lanchester + boris karloff joint-slay with baby bangs. but i also want to hold onto the blue, i haven't even had it for a year yet and i feel like i should ride it out for a little while longer (and people that first met me after i went blue see it as intrinsic to me and my character LOL). i think i might stay blue through the summer and change it up for my second year.
07/04/26
there are very few things that annoy me more than people posting pictures of the cinema screen on their instagram stories. first of all, have some decency and respect for the people around you and put your phone away after the trailers start. second of all, why do you think that people care about or want to see the classification screen? how desperate are you to document every last moment of your life on social media that you need to let everyone know that you were at the cinema? wow. absolutely momentous. you're making me jealous. not even going to talk about people who take pictures during the film. they know who they are and there is a special place in hell for them (i don't care if it's just of the title card, you're going to hell too). this is probably one of my bitchier opinions that i'm genuinely passionate about but i can't help it, people taking and posting shit like that combines poor cinema etiquette with an obsession with plastering their whole lives on social media and those two things grind my gears incomprehensively.
07/04/26
haven't been here much in the past week. been so busy. and so tired so so tired i am so exhausted all the time.
02/04/26
my dad's new computer is coming today and he's definitely going to ask me to set it up for him after this test ugh. can't be bothered. i don't even want to look at a computer once i'm finished with this. it's not egregiously difficult or anything it's just really annoying like all of these questions are pissing me off. but i got full marks on my programming test yesterday huzzah. all of the questions were on things i learned in school so it was very pleasant and not annoying like the one i'm doing now.
01/04/26
back on a depeche mode kick after like three or four years of only listening to them occasionally. what a band. getting more into music has only made me appreciate the stuff i loved at fourteen even more, especially because that's when i started getting properly into it and developing my taste.
31/03/26
two tests back to back tomorrow and thursday. i haven't studied for either of them. i'm so cooked. at least the first one is only worth like 7.5% and i've already passed the module that the second one is for.
28/03/26
i've been seeing people creating pokemon teams for themselves based on themselves and their life and experiences and i think it's very cute even though i haven't been into pokemon since primary school. i think i'd have a heliolisk because they remind me of my nicki and a mabosstiff because they remind me of all three of the dogs that have been or are important in my life most out of all the dog pokemon there are (go and look at my babies if you know what's good for you). i'm not sure what else though. probably a few of the emo looking pokemon.
27/03/26
can letterboxd stop telling me that things are on tubi when they're not available. thanks.
24/03/26
the sweet treat situation in this house is so dire that i just had a bowl of honey nut cornflakes to satisfy my cravings. my nephew usually has a packet of biscuits sitting on his desk and my dad usually has a multipack of freddos in his bedside table so i checked both and found nothing. can't even count on their greed anymore. i want a crepe. or cheesecake.
24/03/26
i'm even worse than i was last week why why why. just had some sort of cold before but now i've got an infection.
23/03/26
i'm ill again. my immune system is more of a concept than a thing that actually exists.
22/03/26
university is where they collect all of the most incompetent people who don't know how to read or do their fair share of work. i keep on saying that i'm not going to keep on chasing people around and holding their hands through everything and then i keep on doing those things because my grade relies on them.
20/03/26
the fearmongering around the meningitis cases in kent is working on my chronically ill self i'm afraid. if there's a single case here i will not be able to feel at peace when i leave the house. also i hate microsoft authenticator.
(edit: my neck has been really stiff and sore for more than a day now and i've got a raging headache. yeah it's over for me. yeah i'm going to die in the next 24 hours. (it's almost definitely from sitting hunched over my laptop all day every day, today even more than usual, and not drinking enough water today... either that or i've caught something else after just getting over being ill because my immune system is working even less than it normally does))
19/03/26
Love this song. loooove this song. Big Fan of this Song. i Really Like this song. i love pil.
17/03/26
bauhaus instrumentals sound so good then peter murphy opens his mouth and starts singing and ruins it. sorry but i hate his voice. bela lugosi is dead would be one of the best songs ever if it was purely instrumental.
16/03/26
eight wins for horror at the oscars last night! eight!!! i don't care much about awards (i mean weapons, frankenstein and sinners are the only 2025 oscar winning films i've seen lol) but it's good to see the genre get the recognition and respect it deserves.
14/03/26
was supposed to go to a gig today but i'm ill. sore throat blocked nose sneezing coughing headache fatigue muscle pain the lot. i felt a tickle in my throat during my last lecture yesterday and had to go for a nap as soon as i got home because i was absolutely exhausted. when i put my head down i knew it was over and that i was going to wake up feeling awful. eating an absurd amount of cashews because they're making me feel a bit better and calories fear ME. also sky broadband is shit can't believe my dad pays so much for it. he got a new router to prove that the issue was with them and not our router and it's gotten even worse. can't get shit done.
13/03/26
go and see the bride!!!
12/03/26
i wish you didn't have to look presentable and somewhat normal to have employment prospects because i'd love to get a scarification piece on my forehead sort of in the area between my eyebrows. this is almost 100% something i am only thinking about because i just got my fringe trimmed and can actually see that area of my forehead again and i will almost definitely get over it by next week but i like complaining about how i'll have to conform somewhat with my appearance if i want to get a decent job in the field i want to work in. is following your plans and desires and dreams worth it if u can't look like a total freak whilst doing it? (probably)
11/03/26
some of my friends are working on an animated adaptation of frankenstein. it is very cool and already looks so promising and is bound to be accurate because they're a bunch of nerds. check it out on twitter or tumblr and if you're cool and love frankenstein or animation and especially if you love both support on patreon.
10/03/26
finally going to see the bride on thursday. not all hope is lost. cinephile back on a roll.
09/03/26
the film club i go to's screening tonight was cancelled because of the fire in the city centre yesterday. fuming. i'm complaining about this to everyone that'll listen.
07/03/26
my loved ones better try to communicate with me after i die. if i don't see an ouija board in our amazon cart the very day afteri kick the bucket i'm haunting you! get more necromantic!!! you're keeping my skull and speaking with me whether you like it or not!
05/03/26
test went better than expected huzzah. think shelley is having some stomach problems now though bless her.
04/03/26
today has been just fantastic. have a test tomorrow that i'm severely underprepared for, had £60 in cash stolen from my bedroom by a family member and my stomach kind of hurts. yay.
02/03/26
a girl i used to be friends with called may 2002 a biopic about me and i still think about it whenever i see may because yes that is in fact me. i love the comparison until i remember who actually said it.
01/03/26
modelos are mentioned 15 times in the bible. desperados are mentioned 22 times. diet coke is mentioned over 40 times, 8 of those times it's paired with rum. take care of your body, drink biblically.
28/02/26
i have dreams about being tired. i can't escape exhaustion and fatigue even in sleep or in rest.
26/02/26
i really want one of those skeleton hand bras but my parents are so nosy about what i order online and i can only be bothered with so many questions.
26/02/26
i've never understood people who talk about 'post-concert depression' until now. always found it kind of weird but napalm death's set was one of the best i've seen, i've seen them before at their 2024 tour but they outdid themselves even without shane, adam was great on bass. ears were ringing, neck and head were sore from headbanging, could not rip the massive smile off my face during scum, they played you suffer at least twice. although i will say i've noticed that barney doesn't really appreciate glasgow's love for a chant lol, he always looks a bit annoyed and says there's no need for it.
my affirmations worked, i behaved myself and did not wake up rough this morning (think that's partially because the venue ran out of red stripe right as i was starting to get pretty drunk haha, gift from god in disguise maybe, i was annoyed at the time but i appreciate it now).
the varukers were also great, anthony martin has such a great and energetic stage presence. didn't enjoy whiplash as much because i'm not big into thrash and i discovered from their set than tony portaro is a bit of a nonce. he said that the crowd was very handsome and beautiful (totally fine) but then went on to specify that the women in particular were very beautiful. i was right at the side of the stage so i could see most of the girls in the front row and most of them looked to be ages with me and quite a few of them younger even. there was one girl in particular he kept on flirting with who was definitely under 18 because she looked young enough to get ided and didn't have a wristband on. then at the end of their set he caressed and kissed every girl at the front's hands??? strange guy.
this is probably verging on being if not long enough to be a regular blog post but i don't feel like making a regular blog.
24/02/26
affirmations because i'm going to napalm death's campaign for musical destruction tour tomorrow and need to behave myself because i have uni the next day:
23/02/26
i actually tried to stay on top of my work during the first couple of weeks of this semester but it was too much for me so instead of just working at a pace that works for me i stopped working almost altogether. it's coming back to bite me in the arse now. i blame my dad he gave me the procrastination gene he's even worse than me.
21/02/26
group projects make me feel like they just let anyone into uni.
20/02/26
haven't been on here much this week because i've been too busy with my uni work (yuck) and my hay day farm. i love hay day and i love my little farm.
15/02/26
when authority figures and men disapprove of my choices and decisions it makes me feel like i'm doing something right. bonus points if it's a male authority figure.
14/02/26
i always feel like i'm wasting my time by wasting away and not doing much that's actually productive then when i do try to be productive it completely does me in. i make myself feel almost guilty about the fact that i'm not doing 'enough' even though i know for certain that i'm putting a lot more effort and time in than a huge chunk of my non-disabled peers. then i realise how stupid that is and go back to rotting guilt-free because i know that it's what my body needs in that moment.
11/02/26
just added my little south park character and papa louie pal and mii not that long ago and i already have to change them because my hair had bleach damage so i had to dye it darker to give it a rest from the bleach. i have to keep them accurate and up to date because i am not a liar. GOODNESS SAKE. i blame the salon more than i do my colour because a girl went there around the same time i last went and ended up with blisters all over her head, i don't think that's a coincidence.
10/02/26
does anyone else frequently think about the fact that there's not just one but two photos of pete shelley and steve diggle kissing? can't just be me surely not.
08/02/26
have a 9am hospital appointment on my day off this wednesday. might kill myself. i don't even have any 9am starts on my timetable this semester.
(edit: i do not it's next wednesday but it's still awful that it's on a wednesday at all.)
05/02/26
got a tattoo this week and it's the first one i've had second skin applied to, my other ones have just been wrapped so far. just took it off and i can already see multiple areas where the ink has lifted quite badly even though i followed all of the artist's instructions and followed proper steps for removal. i'm not really that annoyed about how it looks because she's offered a free touch-up session but i'm very skeptical about her practices because she also didn't id me (when just last week i got my nails done and the nail guy thought i was 14) and recommended vaseline for healing (i've ended up using cocoa butter which she also recommended since she advised against bepanthen for this piece).
02/02/26
i see a lot of people talk about how they wish they could watch their own funeral and i don't care about that at all i'd much rather watch my own autopsy and embalming (that is if i do decide to be embalmed, hopefully i have a decent amount of time to make that decision).
31/01/26
first cinema trip of 2026 was long overdue but i finally saw the bone temple yesterday and it's one of the best cinema experiences i've had in a long time. the film was great and that was obviously a plus but it was mainly great because everyone was so normal!!! i didn't see a single light from a phone or hear anyone speak once, just gasping or laughing at appropriate times. cinema etiquette has gone down the drain, i can't remember the last time i saw a film at a chain cinema without seeing someone on their phone or hearing them speak to someone else, so it was refreshing to go to a screening where everyone acted the only way you should at a cinema. not so friendly reminder that you can check your notifications or talk to your friend once the film is done and when you're not distracting the people around you.
30/01/26
my talent for almost exclusively choosing the moments where i have the absolute worst headaches to listen to bdm and slam is award winning. hacked up for barbeque is worth it.
28/01/26
currently sitting on the floor next to nicki's vivarium whilst i'm catching up with lectures i missed because i dropped one of her water dishes on her tail when i was taking it out and need to monitor her. it was empty, her tail is still attached with no visible injures and she's already back to her usual self after being shaken up for a couple of minutes but i still feel absolutely awful. feeling like a failure of a lizard mum even though i know she's sturdy and these things happen. i'm going to clean her vivarium tomorrow anyway so if there are any injuries that just aren't apparent it'll be sterile for her and i'll be keeping a closer eye on her than usual for the next few weeks. this is soul destroying for me because i feel like i grew her in my own womb and birthed her myself. i edited a picture of her as a juvenile into a picture of a human ultrasound a while ago. that's probably not normal behaviour but she's my baby.
27/01/26
every time i start to feel like i might be getting better because i haven't had a severe crash or an especially bad turn in a while my body likes to remind me that it's called 'chronic' illness for a reason. i abandoned hope of full recovery a long while ago but i'm never going to give up on gradual improvement because i know it is possible, when i first became ill i couldn't even attend school and now i'm at university full time (with better attendance than a lot of the able-bodied people on my course lol) and the gaps between my worse episodes get wider and wider. every reminder that i'll probably have to live the rest of my life like this is quite bleak but it isn't as bad as it always was so i'm guessing it won't always be as bad as it is now either.
26/01/26
i wish that hand tattoos weren't so frowned upon and such an irresponsible choice that totally obstructs your job prospects because i find them sooo chic especially palm tattoos... maybe society will come around someday. i feel similarly about neck tattoos but not as much because i could always scratch that itch with a tattoo behind my ear or somewhere else that's usually covered by my hair.
24/01/26
the heretic nosferatu perfume is quite strange. i bought myself the rollerball to treat myself going into the new year and to have something i can still put on when i can't use spray perfumes because of my respiratory symptoms and it is very nice, it smells really wet and a bit like cucumbers (i didn't watch eggers' nosferatu and think that count orlok or his castle would smell like cucumbers but it's ok) on application and dries down into a damp slightly sweet floral scent with something a bit offputting behind it. after waking up from my post uni nap this thursday it smelled like pure mildew. the slight offputting smell i get from it is mould. the strangest part is that i don't hate it at all and actually enjoy it more now that i notice what it actually is. #rotdaughter and all that.
23/1/2026
i'm doing a pharmacology elective and i'm wondering whether wearing my burroughs t-shirt to the lecture on heroin that's happening later on in the semester would be funny, fucked up or embarrassing (<- girl who thinks that anyone else cares about the same dead junkies as her)